“It’s very seldom that you’re blessed
to find your equal.”
– Beyonce, “Upgrade U”
High Value Woman™ tribe member Arisa asked, “Rhonda – Can you become a high value woman and upgrade the man you are with?”
The answer is YES and NO.
You’ve likely heard that you should never try to change a man…
But men actually WANT you to upgrade and change them.
Here’s what I mean…
Earlier this year, I taught a live training on attracting high quality and caliber men.
One thing I talked about was the concept of:
Vinegar vs. Honey
There is a woman in my family who incessantly nags her husband…24/7.
I am NOT exaggerating.
She nags about him getting a “classier” wardrobe. She nags about him to pick things up at the store. She nags about that DIY project that isn’t finished. She nags about why he’s not “more romantic.”
The man has provided for her for DECADES, yet she NEVER has anything good to say.
Not even a “thank you.”
She is the MOST ungrateful woman I have ever met. (And I’ve met A LOT of women)
Entitlement is a dangerous place to be in your relationship.
You’re basically telling him (and God, Light, universe or whatever you believe in) you don’t want him.
What you don’t appreciate exits your life.
You’ve probably heard the saying:
“You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.”
Her “vinegar ways” don’t inspire her husband to grow or do things she would like. It has the opposite effect.
Men Want You To Change Them
Have you ever dated a man who said, “You make me want to be a better man”?
He wasn’t inspired by vinegar…
…but by honey.
We ladies want to be inspired as well.
High quality people desire a partner who inspires them to change and grow emotionally, spiritually, mentally and financially.
No. 1: Use Honey
Always acknowledge and thank him for things he does that you like. If he hasn’t done it in a while, you can always say, “I love it when you phone me during the day.”
Or, “I think you’d look great in (fill in the item you’d like him to wear.”
Simple as that.
No need to nag, cajole or remind him a million times. His mother did that when he was a boy.
Soon, he’ll be doing MORE of what you like.
No. 2: Turn the Flashlight Outward
That nagging relative I mentioned always complains that no one cares about her needs.
I told her that energetically, it was not necessary.
She focuses on herself 99% of the time, and 1% of the time “on others” (there’s always an ulterior motive that benefits her).
It’s always about her.
The more you focus on yourself, the less others will focus on you.
You’ve heard the saying “givers gain.”
So take the focus off yourself as much as possible. Instead, ask him what he desires. Ask if there is anything you do that he doesn’t really like.
If he’s an emotionally mature, quality man, he will reciprocate.
No. 3: Show & Share Before Asking
Let’s say you desire to live a certain type of lifestyle, or are living a certain type of lifestyle and the guy you’re dating or in a relationship with does not have that lifestyle.
Here are your options:
A) You must express your desire to live that type of lifestyle AND already be doing so (or actively and currently creating the means to do so).
B) Only then can you share your desires for an upgraded lifestyle with your partner.
C) Your values and lifestyle desires MUST be in sync if your union is going to last.
Let’s say he’s on board and you two have the same values and lifestyle desires.
He will want you to lovingly UPGRADE him and support him in becoming a better man.
Every strong high quality man wants this from his partner.
D) First, “turn the flashlight outward” to discover his growth and lifestyle goals. Discuss how they fit together to create what you two define as your upgraded lifestyle. Inspire him to grow and make the necessary changes by using “honey.”
I know that seems simple, but we both know it’s NOT EASY.
How To Screw It Up
What typically happens is women get with a man in the hopes of “changing him” or banking at his “future potential.”
We already covered trying to change him (the way so many women do–through nagging, cajoling and manipulation).
But I think BANKING on “future potential” is also a mistake.
People change. Goals change.
He might not see what you see for him. Even if he does, he might change his mind.
Banking on what might happen often leads to disappointment.
For example, I worked hard to create a wonderful business and fabulous lifestyle I love. (No husband or boyfriend provided this for me 😉 )
So my partner needs to be at or above this level…and growing.
That said, I know women who are perfectly happy being the breadwinner and supporting their guy financially.
No judgment, but that is not for me.
What If He Doesn’t Want To Upgrade?
We covered how to start the conversation and ask him to get on board with you. We also talked about discovering his desires and vision as well.
Let’s say you two figure out that your values and lifestyle desires are NOT in sync.
You have TWO OPTIONS:
Option No. 1:
You choose to reach your full potential and become a high value woman.
Keep in mind, you are becoming a higher version of yourself. You won’t be the “same” woman when you two met.
You lovingly leave the relationship for the good of you both.
Option No. 2:
You try to change him, deny your desires or stop growing in order to stay in the relationship.
Unfortunately, most women go this route thinking it’s easier.
Remember that we CHOSE to start a relationship with this man. This also means accepting him AS IS.
And if at any point, you cannot, it’s not fair to demand he change.
You can leave.
Yes, there are compromises that happen naturally in relationships, but that’s a completely different situation.
What do you think? Do you agree? Do you disagree? Share your story in the comment section below.
With love and in service,
Founder, The High Value Woman™
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